Day 12 You Don't Always Have to Be Right

I do not actively argue with my husband because HE is the one who always has to be right. But after reading this chapter I learned a few things.

• Be a willing spirit and open yourself up to what your heart tells you is right. Look at this as investing in your marriage.
• Give up the need to be right. It's not important enough to make your point.
• Your spouse isn't your enemy. They are a human being with feelings all their own. Keep in mind that the same situation seen through two separate sets of eyes result in two separate perspectives. Each of our views are influenced by our drastically different backgrounds and experiences.
• Choose to honor the person you love and their opinions whether you agree or disagree.

Day 11 Cherish Your Spouse

When we've been in a frustrating marriage long enough we tend to turn inward. It's no longer about the other person, it's about us. Cherishing someone means putting in the work that is required to keep the relationship healthy and happy. When your old car starts to fall apart and costs more to maintain or repair than it's worth you trade it in for a new one. If a blanket/quilt that your great grandmother made gets a tear then you repair it, you keep it safe. So is your spouse like a car that needs to be replaced or are they in need of being cherished?

Once I took a good look at the fact that I have quite often thought of my husband as someone I should trade in for a "better" model I also realized that splitting up wouldn't solve anything. I had to change my thinking and learning to cherish my spouse is yet another step that I need to embrace.

Today's challenge: Act out a gesture that says "I cherish you"

This may sound silly, but as domestically challenged as I have been over the last 10 years, I have decided to embrace keeping up the piles of laundry, pack his lunch and make sure dinner is on the table when he gets home.

Yeah this sounds rather June Cleaver but hubby will be happy with it.

Day 10 Loving Unconditionally

So if any of your spouse's are like mine, they think that the behavior over the last few days/weeks is strange but may not actually believe that it will be a permanent change. This has started a little bit of resentment on my end because I am making an effort. Unfortunately I get the not so subtle "how long will this phase last" sort of look.

Just when I'm getting ready to smack him in the head "Snap out of it!" I come across day 10. Once again the higher power knows just what to say to you when you need it.

Unconditional love says it all. This sort of love comes from spiritual strength and not from human strength. Marriage cannot be ruled by whether or not you are awesome friends or having great sex (or not having sex). You love because you choose to; not because they are acting lovable. If you have kids then you know all about this. They may be throwing temper tantrums or throwing around teen hormones and somehow you still love them. I have four kids so we have approached virtually every stage at this point.

I am now challenged to use that same unconditional love towards my husband. He was chosen for me and I have to trust that decision. As much as I can't help wondering:  How can I show love towards my hubby even if he isn't returning it in the way I am hoping for? I have to move forward into unconditional love.

The Challenge: To do something out of the ordinary to prove that I am choosing to love and not here out of obligation.

Day 9 Make a Good Impression

What it really boils down to is how you greet your spouse and the rest of your family. If you are trying to make a good impression on someone you don't greet them with a nasty tone or a list of things that need to be done. You certainly don't hide in another room when they arrive at your home or ignore them when you go to their home.

We often (myself included) find ourselves busy when our spouse arrives home. Or maybe we're mad about something that happened earlier in the day and we want to vent as soon as they walk through the door.

The Love Dare challenges us to reverse the roles with our spouse. Imagine that you have been at work all day dealing with your normal crazy work situations and now pick how you would love for your spouse to greet you.

I've often envisioned actually being greeted by a hug and a kiss. I want a genuine "I miss you" type feeling. I want the soft place to land and the security of knowing that I am in a loving environment.

The Challenge: Rethink how you greet your spouse from the time you wake up to the time you go to bed. I will confess that I'm still working on this. It's a conscious effort everyday.

Day 8: You Can't Be Jealous of Their Success

Ok so the actual Love Dare title is Love is Not Jealous but this sounded so much more in your face. The very idea is that we are often jealous of our spouse's hobbies, success at work, or maybe even the way the kids listen to them. Come on, admit it. You really never actually wanted to say "Wait til your father gets home", right? You really just want the kids to show you the same respect they do him. Or maybe he is getting praise and promotions at work while you're the one cleaning up dog poop and kid vomit and you're wondering when you are going to get a shower. Who's there to tell YOU "good job, well done"?

Guess what? True love isn't about being jealous of what they have or who they are. It's about being his biggest cheerleader. Yes I  have as hard of a time with this as the next person. I mean after all, I don't get an award for having dinner on the table every night.

It's not about me. I have a hard time swallowing that. I think it stems from childhood where I have always had to speak up in order to be heard and not ignored. In reality, sometimes we have to take a step back and let them have their moment to shine so that we can get rid of the selfishness and the resentment.

Today's challenge: Focus on your hubby's success, say a prayer for their continued health and take a match to that list of negative things you wrote yesterday. Make sure you do this in a bowl or near the sink or something. You want the list to burn, not the curtains.

Day 7: Love Believes the Bestest

I was going to post this really cool picture, or at least go hunt for one because you know all awesome blogs need pictures, right? Then I realized that all of the thoughts boiling over in my head would be strangely disconnected to the passion that I wanted to put into this post. So I decided to forgo the picture. I will admit that it's taken me a while to get to day 7 and I suppose that God had a purpose in all of this. You see, this past weekend was a particularly unpleasant one. What made it even worse is that we just "celebrated" our 15th wedding anniversary. I thought things were so much better between us and then kaboom, everything blew up. Apparently I still have the "same old problems" that I've had for a while now. So instead of sweet talk this weekend there was arguing.

What does all of this have to do with Love Believes the Best? Well if I had actually read this on the actual 7th day from starting the Love Dare then I would have ended up not seeing what God needed me to see. I won't go into the gory details, let's just say that I truly understand that nothing is going to change without me changing my attitude about being a grownup.

Today is all about the positive and negative aspects of our spouse. For those in the pit, where I am, all we can see are the negative things about our marriage. You know, all those things that sit in the back of our mind waiting for a fight to happen so that we can throw them in our spouse's face? Yep that negativity. Not only do I know the pit well, after this weekend I know that my husband is in the same pit.
The positive area is located more in my memory. The memories of how it used to be, of all the great things he did or said to me when we were first together. These include the glimpses I see of that person when he's with the kids.

The challenge: Make a list of the positive reasons you fell in love. Make another list of all the negative things in your dark little pit. Pick one thing off the good list and pray/meditate on it.

My heart aches for the person I long to be and the husband I wish him to still be. So I will press onward in this journey to learn to love again.

Day 6- Love is Not Cranky Er Irritable

You know you've been there. You're husband is complaining about something and you are instantly defensive. He may even have a relevant complaint or problem but you are already so high strung that the smallest comment sends you into a ranting lunatic.

I'm the one in the back raising my hand. This chapter asks: Are you a calm breeze in your home or a storm waiting to release it's torrential wind and rain down upon your spouse?

More often than not I have been the backbuilding tornado just waiting for an optimal place to land. Why is that? Because my husband should understand what I go through in a day! Because he shouldn't complain that  there isn't any clean underwear or that I threw together some spaghetti at the very last minute because I just had too much to do!!!

I have the same 24 hours in a day as everyone else. So why does my "to-do" list NEVER get finished unless it is something I truly desire to do? Because I spend the day trying to do the things I want to do and not what needs to be done. The things that need to be completed to take care of my family fall by the wayside and I end up re-acting instead of being proactive. This results at being irritable most of the time and resentful of being asked why basic things are not completed.

In short, I AM SELFISH. This is a very hard thing for me to admit. I stay stressed 90% of the time because I choose to watch a television show or sleep in or take a nap or read a book instead of taking care of what needs to be done now to head off any complaints or shortages.

This chapter attacked something that I would rather not admit. It pointed out something that brought home it's not the kids fault for complaining about when is lunch. It's not hubby's fault that he is upset that he has to step over a pile of laundry in the bathroom because I haven't "had time to do it". In all honesty if I sit down and plan out my day. There is plenty of time to get it done.

If I truly love my husband and my children then I will save television, books and sleeping for certain times of the day and only AFTER my responsibilities are taken care of. After all, I am a work at home mom who's job is to take care of my family and my home. If I had a job outside the home I wouldn't be able to sleep on the job.

Challenge:
Choose to react to your day with love instead of irritation. Look at your daily schedule to see how you can reduce stress and selfishness in your life. Look at your motivation behind your schedule if necessary.

Falling Off the Love Dare Wagon

Photo Credit

I did something silly after starting the Love Dare. I decided to allow my children to use my computer first thing in the morning for about a week. The first few days I wrote out my Love Dare posts by long hand in a notebook. Lost the notebook. It wasn't long before I fell by the wayside and stalled in my desire to enhance my marriage. I am not really much better off than when I started and I am somewhat dismayed because I really wanted to be at a better place when my 15th anniversary came up. So here I am. My anniversary is about 2 weeks away and I am still on week two of the Love Dare.

The good news is that God lets up pick up where we left off and move forward. So I am going to post the days that I completed but didn't get the opportunity to type up and simply date them after this post. I apologize for anyone that was following me and then I disappeared.

I look forward to seeing the changes that God has in store for me, my marriage and my family. I hope you will jump in and join me.

Day 5-Love is Not Rude

They say you learn what you live.  A lot of us have a variety of definitions of rude. The key definition of rudeness is to act in an irritating, embarrassing, or unbecoming manner. In other words your actions make it uncomfortable for other people to be around you.

I would say this is me on PMS. But you know what else I realized? I was bitchy other times as well. If he says something or does something I don't like I am more than likely going to snap at him. This chapter inspired me to look at the way I treat my family versus the way I treat strangers. It's not easy to be around people 24/7 without butting heads but why is it that we treat people we just met with the utmost kindness and consideration? It just goes to show that the words "I can't control myself" is a line of dog doody. I mean really? Do we brush off perfect strangers? We offer them a glass of tea or coffee when they come to visit and when our husbands ask us to get something for them we're all "Get it yourself."

Today's challenge is more difficult for me than the other's have been. Suck it up and do it.

Today's Challenge: Ask your husband what 3 things that you do that make him uncomfortable or irritated with you. Don't get all crazy about justifying it. Just ask, listen and adjust. Don't pop off at him.

Day 4: Love is Thoughtful

I'll be the first to raise my hand and say that I cannot count the number of times I didn't realize that my husband was out of clean underwear or that we were going to have canned soup for dinner because I looked up from my sleep deprived zombie-like stance on the couch to discover that it was 6 or even 7pm. Now this happened more when my kids were little. Balancing a household with 3 kids under the age of 5 with no family nearby and a husband that works 70+ hours a week can leave you a little crazy.

Now that mine are older I've realized that not doing whatever I've said I was going to do is plain thoughtless. As in I don't put enough effort and thought into getting my "job" done. My husband expects me to do that as a sign of our partnership just like I expect him to support us financially. I know that's not the norm but that's the way we work.

So back to thoughtful, during our early relationship I would make it an effort to plan a special meal during the week. Granted it seemed easier at 20 working 2 jobs then it does at 36 with 4 kids. The point is not how easy it was. The point is that I thought of him during the day or the week and planned something for him to enjoy. And while I am going to perform today's challenge as something small I will admit that I am planning something bigger for our anniversary. 15 years is no small accomplishment in today's marriage world.

Today's Challenge: Contact your husband during the day today just to ask how they are doing and if they need anything or if you can do anything for them.

Day 3: Love is Not Selfish

There was a Janet Jackson song back in the 80s or 90s titled "What has He Done for You Lately". It seemed like the perfect 'ditch your loser boyfriend' type song. The thing is that when you decide to get married you can't just 'ditch' your husband because he has decided not to be romantic or has changed. We all change as we age. If we didn't then you'd see some messed up 50 and 60 year olds. Okay, so maybe not EVERYONE changes.

We need to look at what we expect from ourselves and what we expect from our spouses. I know I would love for him to do romantic things like arrange a babysitter and whisk me off for the weekend. But all he wants is clean underwear and a clean kitchen. Why should I expect him to want to do for me if I don't do those things for him? Because I'm selfish and I make excuses to not have it done.

So it's time to take a step back and ask:
-Do I want what's best for my husband?
-Do I want them to know I put them first?
-Do I want them to feel loved and know that I have their best interests at heart?

It is said that an outsider looking into our lives won't ask us what is important to us. They will simply take a look at what we are investing our money, time and energy into. THAT is what is truly important to us whether we realize it or not.

Today's Challenge: No negative talk. Buy or make something for your husband that let's them know they were on your mind today.

Day 2: Love is Kind

Yesterday was pretty easy because we have better days than we used to. Today is all about being kind. I'll fess up to the fact that kindness is a struggle for me more often than it should be. Until I read this chapter on kindness I never really understood the true meaning. Kindness is something that we should all be taught. I have decided that I am going to spend all of July teaching my children about kindness, love, respect and responsibility. (That's for another topic.)

The best quote from the Love Dare is "Patience avoids a problem; kindness creates a blessing."

Be gentle. This means with our actions as well as with our words. When we need to express ourselves we should keep our voices and tones gentle. This is just as much a struggle for me as for anyone else.

Be helpful. This means washing laundry so that everyone has clean underwear. Or like in my husband's case, he fixed my brakes on my car.

Be willing. I look at this as wanting to find a way to communicate with our spouse rather than yelling AT them. What happens when we don't listen to the other person and simply demand our way? They feel attacked and tune us out at well. If we're willing to listen to them then they will be more open to us.

Take the initiative. Even though he's not bringing us flowers or searching us out as soon as he comes home I am planning to be the one to go to him. Even on the days I would rather not be the one to search him out, I am going to learn kindness and take the first steps.


Today's Challenge: Say nothing negative to your spouse AND do at least 1 unexpected kind gesture for them.

Day 1: Love is Patient

While patience may be a virtue, it is one that I am hard-pressed to grasp. You would think that after 4 kids I would have patience out the wazoo. Um, no. The truth is that love can inspire us to be patient. Reading today's lesson I have discovered that I don't have to like the way my husband does things. I simply need to take a step back and look at his intentions. A great example is him offering to repair my brakes for me instead of me taking them to a mechanic. He isn't doing it when I want it done but it IS getting done.

The next time we get angry with our spouse we need to stop and look at why. Do we snap back at some smart or mean comment that our spouse made? Is your house an angry one? I know that quite often there is yelling and screaming in our house between either my husband and me or my kids. The screaming and anger only escalates as time goes on. What would happen if us women, as teachers to our children and partners to our husbands, decided that we weren't going to snap at anyone. What if we decided that the words coming out of our mouth were used to lift up instead of tear down?

I grew up in what I consider a toxic environment and unfortunately have carried some of that over. I confess that I am frustrated that my life is not what I envisioned. But I have also realized that my current situation is something that is a result of my past decisions. I am not a victim. The life I have today is a result of the decisions I made or the ones I simply left to chance.

Today's challenge: Say nothing negative to your spouse (or your kids if you wish). If you cannot say anything nice then simply stay quiet.

My Ultimate Goal

I've been trying to complete this Love Dare for over a year now. I get maybe two weeks into it then fall flat. So I'm going to journal it here and maybe help out a few other people along the way. The Love Dare is a book that is a 40 day challenge for one or both people to fix their marriage. My husband is not quite the fix it/counseling type person so I'm going this alone.

My ultimate goal is to have a renewed relationship at the end of this 40 days. It just so happens that this is just in time for my 15th wedding anniversary. The perfect time to fall in love with my husband all over again.

Now to let you know, the past 15 years have been anything but roses and romance. As a matter of fact, it was just a few years ago we were discussing no longer being married. We've come a long way since then but every little bit  helps.

Whether you have a good marriage or the world is falling apart around you, the Love Dare may be just what you need. It's about discovering the true meaning of unconditional love.

I only hope that along my journey, someone else is given hope and healing. I send up this prayer for anyone who reads my words.

May the creator of the universe fill your heart with peace and joy and show you how changing your own heart can change the hearts of those around you.