Day 5-Love is Not Rude

They say you learn what you live.  A lot of us have a variety of definitions of rude. The key definition of rudeness is to act in an irritating, embarrassing, or unbecoming manner. In other words your actions make it uncomfortable for other people to be around you.

I would say this is me on PMS. But you know what else I realized? I was bitchy other times as well. If he says something or does something I don't like I am more than likely going to snap at him. This chapter inspired me to look at the way I treat my family versus the way I treat strangers. It's not easy to be around people 24/7 without butting heads but why is it that we treat people we just met with the utmost kindness and consideration? It just goes to show that the words "I can't control myself" is a line of dog doody. I mean really? Do we brush off perfect strangers? We offer them a glass of tea or coffee when they come to visit and when our husbands ask us to get something for them we're all "Get it yourself."

Today's challenge is more difficult for me than the other's have been. Suck it up and do it.

Today's Challenge: Ask your husband what 3 things that you do that make him uncomfortable or irritated with you. Don't get all crazy about justifying it. Just ask, listen and adjust. Don't pop off at him.

Day 4: Love is Thoughtful

I'll be the first to raise my hand and say that I cannot count the number of times I didn't realize that my husband was out of clean underwear or that we were going to have canned soup for dinner because I looked up from my sleep deprived zombie-like stance on the couch to discover that it was 6 or even 7pm. Now this happened more when my kids were little. Balancing a household with 3 kids under the age of 5 with no family nearby and a husband that works 70+ hours a week can leave you a little crazy.

Now that mine are older I've realized that not doing whatever I've said I was going to do is plain thoughtless. As in I don't put enough effort and thought into getting my "job" done. My husband expects me to do that as a sign of our partnership just like I expect him to support us financially. I know that's not the norm but that's the way we work.

So back to thoughtful, during our early relationship I would make it an effort to plan a special meal during the week. Granted it seemed easier at 20 working 2 jobs then it does at 36 with 4 kids. The point is not how easy it was. The point is that I thought of him during the day or the week and planned something for him to enjoy. And while I am going to perform today's challenge as something small I will admit that I am planning something bigger for our anniversary. 15 years is no small accomplishment in today's marriage world.

Today's Challenge: Contact your husband during the day today just to ask how they are doing and if they need anything or if you can do anything for them.

Day 3: Love is Not Selfish

There was a Janet Jackson song back in the 80s or 90s titled "What has He Done for You Lately". It seemed like the perfect 'ditch your loser boyfriend' type song. The thing is that when you decide to get married you can't just 'ditch' your husband because he has decided not to be romantic or has changed. We all change as we age. If we didn't then you'd see some messed up 50 and 60 year olds. Okay, so maybe not EVERYONE changes.

We need to look at what we expect from ourselves and what we expect from our spouses. I know I would love for him to do romantic things like arrange a babysitter and whisk me off for the weekend. But all he wants is clean underwear and a clean kitchen. Why should I expect him to want to do for me if I don't do those things for him? Because I'm selfish and I make excuses to not have it done.

So it's time to take a step back and ask:
-Do I want what's best for my husband?
-Do I want them to know I put them first?
-Do I want them to feel loved and know that I have their best interests at heart?

It is said that an outsider looking into our lives won't ask us what is important to us. They will simply take a look at what we are investing our money, time and energy into. THAT is what is truly important to us whether we realize it or not.

Today's Challenge: No negative talk. Buy or make something for your husband that let's them know they were on your mind today.

Day 2: Love is Kind

Yesterday was pretty easy because we have better days than we used to. Today is all about being kind. I'll fess up to the fact that kindness is a struggle for me more often than it should be. Until I read this chapter on kindness I never really understood the true meaning. Kindness is something that we should all be taught. I have decided that I am going to spend all of July teaching my children about kindness, love, respect and responsibility. (That's for another topic.)

The best quote from the Love Dare is "Patience avoids a problem; kindness creates a blessing."

Be gentle. This means with our actions as well as with our words. When we need to express ourselves we should keep our voices and tones gentle. This is just as much a struggle for me as for anyone else.

Be helpful. This means washing laundry so that everyone has clean underwear. Or like in my husband's case, he fixed my brakes on my car.

Be willing. I look at this as wanting to find a way to communicate with our spouse rather than yelling AT them. What happens when we don't listen to the other person and simply demand our way? They feel attacked and tune us out at well. If we're willing to listen to them then they will be more open to us.

Take the initiative. Even though he's not bringing us flowers or searching us out as soon as he comes home I am planning to be the one to go to him. Even on the days I would rather not be the one to search him out, I am going to learn kindness and take the first steps.


Today's Challenge: Say nothing negative to your spouse AND do at least 1 unexpected kind gesture for them.

Day 1: Love is Patient

While patience may be a virtue, it is one that I am hard-pressed to grasp. You would think that after 4 kids I would have patience out the wazoo. Um, no. The truth is that love can inspire us to be patient. Reading today's lesson I have discovered that I don't have to like the way my husband does things. I simply need to take a step back and look at his intentions. A great example is him offering to repair my brakes for me instead of me taking them to a mechanic. He isn't doing it when I want it done but it IS getting done.

The next time we get angry with our spouse we need to stop and look at why. Do we snap back at some smart or mean comment that our spouse made? Is your house an angry one? I know that quite often there is yelling and screaming in our house between either my husband and me or my kids. The screaming and anger only escalates as time goes on. What would happen if us women, as teachers to our children and partners to our husbands, decided that we weren't going to snap at anyone. What if we decided that the words coming out of our mouth were used to lift up instead of tear down?

I grew up in what I consider a toxic environment and unfortunately have carried some of that over. I confess that I am frustrated that my life is not what I envisioned. But I have also realized that my current situation is something that is a result of my past decisions. I am not a victim. The life I have today is a result of the decisions I made or the ones I simply left to chance.

Today's challenge: Say nothing negative to your spouse (or your kids if you wish). If you cannot say anything nice then simply stay quiet.

My Ultimate Goal

I've been trying to complete this Love Dare for over a year now. I get maybe two weeks into it then fall flat. So I'm going to journal it here and maybe help out a few other people along the way. The Love Dare is a book that is a 40 day challenge for one or both people to fix their marriage. My husband is not quite the fix it/counseling type person so I'm going this alone.

My ultimate goal is to have a renewed relationship at the end of this 40 days. It just so happens that this is just in time for my 15th wedding anniversary. The perfect time to fall in love with my husband all over again.

Now to let you know, the past 15 years have been anything but roses and romance. As a matter of fact, it was just a few years ago we were discussing no longer being married. We've come a long way since then but every little bit  helps.

Whether you have a good marriage or the world is falling apart around you, the Love Dare may be just what you need. It's about discovering the true meaning of unconditional love.

I only hope that along my journey, someone else is given hope and healing. I send up this prayer for anyone who reads my words.

May the creator of the universe fill your heart with peace and joy and show you how changing your own heart can change the hearts of those around you.